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Stop waiting to Die and Start Living

You know I was not always this happy.

When I was diagnosed with Stag 4 Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia(CLL), I felt like a knife was plunged in my heart but no one noticed it. It’s funny how your family worry about themselves more than you. The reactions and the questions are so about them.

Well I suffered in silence because I could not bear their pity party. I was dealing with this ordeal alone. I was not physically alone. My family was there but emotionally I was alone.

You see, I have a problem allowing my emotions take over in front of everyone. I lived in pretense. I’m okay. I’m fine. I will say. That’s when I had to fake till I make. I refused to join or create a pity party. I was not dead yet. Yeah yeah, Stage 4 CLL.

The way that doctor said it, it sounded like he was pronouncing me dead on the spot. I looked at my family, I was a bit angry inside because of their reaction. Their pity party, not mine. I had to figure out how to stop this. This nonsense, I am not dead.

One night I was alone in the dark quiet hospital room. I was praying and praying. I was not praying why me, because I am a firm believer in why not me. I told God this is BIG! can not fix this! I’m used to fixing everything, but not this!

That’s when I heard Peace be Still. That’s when I Let go and Let God.

That’s when my whole entire life changed. I saw the world in a brand new light. I went to chemo alone. I did not want anyone to go with me because I knew God was there waiting to fix me. Right than I made my choice. I chose to live. I know I am going to die. We all are. But not today. I have a lot of life to live for.

Yes I went through somethings but they were not that bad because I knew God was there. When you know you are not alone. I am not talking about friends and family. I’m talking about God. No, I’m not a church goer. No, I’m not a bible reader. BUT I’m a FIRM believer. I wake up every morning and give thanks to God because he wakes me up and keeps me in perfect peace.

Everywhere I go and everything I do he is there. I know there are people out there that do not believe in God. I do know they believe there is someone or something bigger then them. A higher power. Yes that’s it I just call mine God. You can call it what ever you want but please be respectful of others.

Thank you,

 

20 Comments

  1. Wow Carrie! I really don’t know what to say! Not seen or read any beautiful and inspiring story as this! I am glad I decided to stop by on this! How well you believe in God does speak volume! Thank you for sharing your story! and if you do not mind, I will love to share this! I am looking forward to a plethora of your articles.

    1. Hi Vanabell,

      I would love for you to share my articles. I pray that it would help inspire whoever needs my help. I often wondered what is my purpose. Now, that I get no answer but I am going to keep trying to help people the best way I can. Maybe one day God will tell me I am living my purpose

      Thank you so much 

  2. I’ve always been impressed how some people who are dealt terrible hands are the strongest, most inspiring people out there. I have two cousins with Cystic Fibrosis and they both are shining beacons of optimism and achievement it makes me feel like a self-pitying slacker lol. Be. Here. Now. You are awesome and strong <3

    1. Thank you so much Liam,

      When you are diagnosed with something that’s terminal. We see things in a different light. We learn to accept what we have and appreciate everything else. We know life is short so we choose to be happy regardless. Life is beautiful. Being happy is a choice!! Don’t sweat the small stuff, it’s not worth it. Love more, Laugh more, and Live more.

  3. wow what a wonderful and impactful story with God everything is possible and i truly acknowledge and respect your firmness in the faith and this is a lesson for others to learn and to also apply to them self,at a crucial time when even family give up on us God never give up on us

    1. You are right Miracle,

      We have to know and believe God knows what he is doing. We don’t know why, but God does. I feel weather I live or die, God got me.  

      Thank you so much

  4. Thank you for the encouragement. This is a very inspiring story. 

    I must admit that after reading it, you had me about a minute thinking about this. It’s definitely need more optimism in my life and your post has given me a good share of it. Wholeheartedly, thank you very much! I will even share with a friend!

    1. Hi Paolo,

      It took a lot for me to post this article. I knew I was putting my whole entire heart out there. At first I wasn’t going to post it but something inside of me said It’s okay. God got this. Let them know what you went through on the inside. Post your truth, so I posted it.  Thank you so much for sharing it. 

  5. Well, what can I say? I have enjoyed reading many of your articles on here lately as I had never previously heard of CLL. But I must take my hat off to you for a great effort. Positivity is always a healthy thing and like you say, its better to get on with living and a positive attitude brings a better quality to that life.

  6. Hi Carrie,

    What an emotional, and yet very motivating piece of writing. I can imagine the feeling when the you were first diagnosed with Stag 4 Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia, it surely must had been hectic, but hey, here you are sharing your story with us. This gives courage, belief and hope in any situation. God is good!

    Best wishes!

  7. I love the title of this post, Carrie – Stop Waiting To Die And Start Living! Never a truer word was spoken. You are an inspiration to everyone who reads your articles. This is because you are teaching us all how to live fulfilling and worthwhile lives. Life can deal us some crappy hands, but if we can turn them into trump cards, all is well. Thank you.

    1. Thank you so much Jenni,

      This was my hardest post. I felt I had to let it out as well. I am happy you approve.

  8. Hi Carrie and thanks for sharing your beautiful story. It reminds me of my cousin who was struggling with cervical cancer. Even after doing chemo, her condition doesn’t improve too much. She finally rested in peace last month, but I’m sure she will be there with God at her side. 

  9. Hi Carrie, I love the title of your post. Looking each day as it arrives and using it to the best of our ability, instead of complaining about all the things that are not going to the way we would choose,what a difference it makes in our life and those around us. God bless in the days you have ahead of you. May you continue to be a blessing to all those around you.

  10. You awesome girl for taking this to your heart Carrie. We all have trials in life and yes even when the family is around us sometimes we can be very alone with our emotions. It’s easy to feel sorry for ourselves and ask why me but you didn’t you found a better way and I admire that. With your great attitude, I’m sure that you will live a good life no matter how long or how short. Thinking of you always.

    1. Hi Lily,

      At first I was not going to post this article but something made me go ahead and post it. Some people might feel the same way and feel ashamed of feeling like that way. I felt if I told my story from my whole heart, maybe someone needed to hear it. Thank you so much for letting me know it’s okay.

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