Stop waiting to Die and Start Living
You know I was not always this happy.
When I was diagnosed with Stag 4 Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia(CLL), I felt like a knife was plunged in my heart but no one noticed it. It’s funny how your family worry about themselves more than you. The reactions and the questions are so about them.
Well I suffered in silence because I could not bear their pity party. I was dealing with this ordeal alone. I was not physically alone. My family was there but emotionally I was alone.
You see, I have a problem allowing my emotions take over in front of everyone. I lived in pretense. I’m okay. I’m fine. I will say. That’s when I had to fake till I make. I refused to join or create a pity party. I was not dead yet. Yeah yeah, Stage 4 CLL.
The way that doctor said it, it sounded like he was pronouncing me dead on the spot. I looked at my family, I was a bit angry inside because of their reaction. Their pity party, not mine. I had to figure out how to stop this. This nonsense, I am not dead.
One night I was alone in the dark quiet hospital room. I was praying and praying. I was not praying why me, because I am a firm believer in why not me. I told God this is BIG! can not fix this! I’m used to fixing everything, but not this!
That’s when I heard Peace be Still. That’s when I Let go and Let God.
That’s when my whole entire life changed. I saw the world in a brand new light. I went to chemo alone. I did not want anyone to go with me because I knew God was there waiting to fix me. Right than I made my choice. I chose to live. I know I am going to die. We all are. But not today. I have a lot of life to live for.
Yes I went through somethings but they were not that bad because I knew God was there. When you know you are not alone. I am not talking about friends and family. I’m talking about God. No, I’m not a church goer. No, I’m not a bible reader. BUT I’m a FIRM believer. I wake up every morning and give thanks to God because he wakes me up and keeps me in perfect peace.
Everywhere I go and everything I do he is there. I know there are people out there that do not believe in God. I do know they believe there is someone or something bigger then them. A higher power. Yes that’s it I just call mine God. You can call it what ever you want but please be respectful of others.